whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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