He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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