there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
