she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
