She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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