And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
