That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
