true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize