You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
