Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
