ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
