I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
