I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
