My friends, they love my intelligence
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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