I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
