How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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