Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
