She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
