i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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