In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
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Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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