my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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