2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
