i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
