and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
