Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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