Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
