The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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