Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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