We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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