Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Operation Purity has been aborted
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
