So gin and wine won't be happening again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
