all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
