i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
