Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
