Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
