He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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