i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
