I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
