He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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