You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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