I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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