what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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