my sisters under your porch take her home
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
