How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
