My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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