I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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