I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
