I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
