FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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