I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
