i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
