Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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