We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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