How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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