I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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