If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
