The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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