Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
